NONENTITY

4:27 am ----------------------------

I woke up, coz I had this uneasiness sensation in my sleep. I sat up and tried to stretched, but before I can execute my little exercise I noticed a lot of crumpled paper on the floor and on the table there’s a piece of paper and with a familiar hand writing all over it. I slowly stood up and try to scrutinize the contents of the paper. “Oh….tsk! It’s just my composition” I exclaimed. (Whew!) I thought someone left me a love letter.

Upon retrieving what I thought was a love letter for a world class loser like me, I looked at it and stared at its content with a little dismay and read it slowly….

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You made me and let me face the world alone,

You didn't heave me to guide me through all of my directions.

And now I clearly see how the world hates me

My love wouldn't bind because of your wicked mind.

And I wish that you could have given so much more other than life and in my lifetime!!

Coz I'm so far down and you were never there!!

I was hoping! Screaming! And dying alone...

You shouldn't have left me for all the things that I can never bear.

For all the tiny pieces of broken heart could fit through the eye of a needle.

And as I walk through this day, hate is all that I can say!

For what glory have I tasted?? You've only given me insanity!

Am I that lost? How could you have ever let me go?

Have I treated you so wrong? How dare you, you let me fall!!

You should have, you could have, and you would have been there

For me when I need you the most, and all the struggle in my life

Odium, odium is what I can feel now.

ODIUM... ODIUM... REPUGNANCE... REPUGNANCE!!!!

I will suppress all the feelings...

I will perish all the thoughts...

I will…………

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“Oh” I sighted. I wasn’t able to finish It. Few minutes passed by, I’m still staring at this poem or maybe a song questioning myself who am I dedicating it?? But a part of me knew who I am addressing it to.

“And yet whatever I do this sh!t is still coming through!

All of these years that I pretended…still I subsist without you!” I said.

But yet my heart reminded me that I should be pure… “Be pure of what? (I resisted!!)

Of hate? Of anger? What else should there be? A nefarious person like her cannot be given such adulation in her life!” I answered back to my self.

The vivacity of my being is solely shaped by rage------my formidable enemy… huh! My companion and…the inevitable.

And still I kept thinking all of these subliminal verses in my head. It’s like a cycle of a never ending perplexity within these thoughts of mine that baffled me tenaciously in this entire universe, of whether not to demure this immaculately chase? “What the hell!” I said to myself. I touch upon one specific moment where I couldn’t stand upon my own two feet. I smiled and looked at the mirror hanging beside the window, and started to laugh. “Ha-ha! Why the hell am I chasing? Who am I chasing to?” I said. I shrugged my shoulders and headed back to my bed and had a depressing manifestation on my face. But in my mind I said, “I refused to accept reality all of this time that I pretended to be strong, that I don’t need to be touched nor loved by the woman who kept me in her womb. Mother is the name of god of all the lips and hearts of all children…” I am beginning to be bemused by feelings of uncertainty and with teary eyed I shouted “I am no longer a child! I won’t believe in that nursery shit, my faith had gone dry! On my knees I closed my eyes and fisted on my self and tearfully said (shaking) “How far shall this go? I longed for you and hitherto you still remain like a shadow that’s been following me… Don’t want to feel my pain no more! It is you who had given me the strength to live… to live to see you, touch you.”

For once I let my river flow, I never held it back. I drowned my pride on its primal point of understanding life as it is. “Would death liberate me from my state of confusion and would it liberate her sin from my skin?” I half jokingly asked myself. I walked towards the window north of my position. I felt the sun permeates my skin. I looked up. The wind on my face, it gently brushed my hair. “Though you had made all my years in pain, I’m glad I’m still breathing and no, death is not an option … life is!”

Yet, these thoughts will haunt me. They’d soar me high through the winds of nothing, keep me warm in its cold embrace.